Loving a parent who has hurt you—whether through neglect, harsh words, or toxic behavior—is a complex challenge. Society often tells us we should love our parents unconditionally, but what if that love feels impossible? What if the person who should have nurtured and protected you was instead a source of pain? Is it possible to love them without losing yourself? The answer is maybe —but it requires setting boundaries, self-awareness, and redefining what love means in this context.
1. Accept That You Can’t Change Them
One of the hardest truths to accept is that some people, including parents, may never change. If you hold onto the hope that they will suddenly become the parent you always needed, you risk setting yourself up for repeated disappointment. Instead of expecting them to change, focus on changing your expectations and reactions. Importantly, remember that it is not your fault that they are who they are.
2. Redefine What Love Means
“To love is to will the good of another.” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1766). Love doesn’t always mean closeness and it doesn’t need fuzzy feelings. Sometimes, loving someone means understanding their limitations and adjusting your relationship accordingly. Love can exist in the form of forgiveness without forgetting, or in choosing to have limited but meaningful interactions rather than forcing deep emotional bonds. Love can be the commitment to will the good of the other amidst and in spite of other conflicting emotions. Love can be a begrudging movement in the direction of love.
3. Set and Enforce Boundaries
Boundaries are crucial for maintaining your emotional well-being. This could mean limiting conversations to neutral topics, setting time limits on interactions, or even deciding not to engage if their presence is harmful to you. Boundaries aren’t about punishing the other person; they’re about protecting yourself. You should maintain your boundaries with an undying determination.
4. Practice Detachment with Compassion
Detaching doesn’t mean you stop caring—it means you stop allowing their actions to dictate your emotions. When they say or do hurtful things, remind yourself that their behavior is a reflection of them, not you. You can acknowledge their struggles and flaws without absorbing their negativity. It also means trying to transcend the situation and person, time and time again. Sometimes you might explode (which is okay). But it does get a little easier with practice.
If you want to give, do so in a way that doesn’t harm you. Maybe that means sending a birthday message instead of spending the day together. Maybe it’s helping in small ways that don’t drain your energy. Giving should be a choice, not an obligation.
5. Seek Support and Healing
You don’t have to navigate this alone. Therapy, support groups, or even talking to friends who understand can help you process your emotions. Healing from a difficult parent-child relationship takes time, and having support can make all the difference.
Final Thoughts
Not every parent-child bond will be warm and affectionate, and that’s okay. If you can find a way to care from a distance or show love in a way that doesn’t compromise your well-being, that is enough. Love can take many forms, including the love you show yourself by choosing peace over toxicity.
Loving someone who has hurt you is one of the hardest emotional challenges you can face. But remember: love doesn’t mean self-sacrifice.
Recommended Reading
If you want to dive deeper into healing and setting boundaries, here are five books that can help:
- “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by Lindsay C. Gibson – Learn how to identify and heal from the effects of emotionally immature parents.
- “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life” by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend – A guide to setting healthy boundaries while maintaining relationships.
- “Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life” by Dr. Susan Forward – Understand the lasting impact of toxic parenting and how to break free.
- “Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect” by Dr. Jonice Webb – Learn to recognize and heal from emotional neglect in childhood.
- “The Book of Forgiving” by Desmond Tutu & Mpho Tutu – A compassionate guide on forgiveness and emotional healing.
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